Serbia: Kosovo you’re mine!
Kosovo: No I will be independent.
Serbia: My sons?
Slovenia: I don’t want to be with you
Croatia: Me neither
Bosnia: Not me of course, I am of kebab muslim
Herzegovina: I’m not even a country
Montenegro: Silly Herze. I’m independent for a reason.
Herzegovina: I’m just as a country as Sealand
Macedonia: No. I am of proud Greek heritage.
Serbia: No you’re my son your name even is, Serbian Macedonia or, Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia
Macedonia: No Serbia you’re not my dad!
Serbia: If you all join me I’ll let little Herz be a country
Bosnia: Is that even possible?
Herzegovina: If the -stan’s can be countries so can I!
Bosnia: I don’t think that’s even the same thing…
Croatia: Yeah those five are defined by indigenous groups.
Herzegovina: I can claim my OWN indigenous group! The Herzegos!
Kosovo: Tell me a bit about those “Herzegos”.
Herzegovina: They’re pretty tall! The women are about 1.75 cm and the men are about 1.90 cm. The women are also the curviest! Herzegos are really pale like porcelain dolls. Many Herzegos are really freckly but many are not freckly at all. They grow almost no hair, only on their scalp and a few on their eyebrows. Their hair is completely straight and pure white! Both men and women traditionally tend to keep their hair very long and in ornate braided hairdos. But now various different hairstyles are common. Herzego eyes are really big, they’re like… the biggest human eyes possible. Herzegos have bright purple irises! Their ears are also often pointy. Like elves. They WERE the inspiration for elves! Traditionally, the Herzego with the longest, pointiest ears was the leader of not only the Herzegos, but the WHOLE of Eurasia! Herzegos knew the tectonic plates just by walking on them. So they knew the EXACT shape of far away places in East and SouthEast Asia. They just preferred to stay in ol’Herzegovina even though they could EASILY have defeated the Scythian, Cimmerians, and Sarmathians for control of the Far East. Herzego technology always 1000 years more advanced than the average non-Herzego Eurasia-dwelling tribe. Herzego of great atheist. Herzego of speaking the Herzego language, which is the only existing language in the greater Herzego language family! Is the oldest language in the world, staying unchanged in two million years, but always swiftly influencing the languages around itself. There are no coincidences, just Herzegos messing around. And no, “Proto-Indo-European” was just you folks TRYING to imitate the Herzego language, but failing at it, because you all are only 75% as smart as the Herzegos. Herzegos are actually not just a separate tribe, they’re a separate race! It is said that the races are – white, black, asian, aboriginal australian, native american, and south asian, but there are actually two more: the Kalash of Pakistan, and us the Herzegos. Just like the Kalash we are pretty few in number, actually the Kalash are more numerous since they have shorter lives and tend to have a lot more children. Kalash and Herzegos form the Kalash-Herzego union, with a lot of interracial political arranged marriages happening between the two groups. Mixed Kalash-Herzego children are said to have all of the strenght and none of the weakness. It’s like being an half Saiyan in Dragonball. Well, so do the full Herzegos, but when you’re mixed with Kalash you also get THEIR strengths. Technically, Herzegos are to white people what white people are to the black people. We only decided to not enslave you cuz we are so few. We did’nt have a concept of money either. We just barter with the Kalash. South Africa’s Khoisans join us in the barters and cultural exchange festival for one day once every 1000 years. The richest of us is the one who has the biggest ears, as they’re the leader. Sarajevo was built by an Herzego in 1000 BC, Sarajevo is actually a methaporical Herzego word that means: “The great city in which we peacefully rule over hairy sunburnt people.”
Slovenia: We’re not that hairy…
Montenegro: Or sunburnt.
Croatia: Herz’s account are a bit exaggerated as always. Once she looked at a map and thought I was eating Bosnia and her.
Kosovo: To be fair, it does look so.
Bosnia: To be fair she’s right with the capital name, it means castle on the plain. The plain that includes all of our lands.
Serbia: Yes your and Herz’s cities are like little kebab castles in a little kebab plain that is technically mine.
Bosnia: Actually it would be nice, since I met Pakistan I wondered why he gets its own indigenous special race and I don’t.
Croatia: Because Himalayas.
Herzegovina: I’ve got Mostar. It’s kinda on a mountain. It kinda separates me.
Montenegro: It’s more on a river actually.
Bosnia: Guess it kinda is.
Herzegovina: Egypt’s on a river and they’re not black!
Macedonia: That’s cuz they’re also on A FREAKING DESERT!
Serbia: A macedonia dessert!
Croatia: No! The Sahara desert!
Serbia: Better than being kebab.
Slovenia: We’re Eastern European countries! Our fave food are pierogi and kielbasa!
Herzegovina: If Herzegos were a thing, which I admit, they’re not, but they could become such with science, they’d only eat cabbage leaves, and they’d only drink milk. Except once every 1000 years for the celebration of Sarajevo’s founding, they’d drink fermented goat blood. Also, they would use their own alphabet, the Herzego alphabet. In the Herzego alphabet, the letters don’t just have specific shapes, they also have specific colors. Not that there are two letters that would look the same if they were the same color. But synesthesia would be really common in the Herzegos!
Kosovo: Such a special snowflake are you!
Bosnia: Guys! Guys! I really like the idea!
Slovenia: So do I. We need a race capable to fix up this fractal of peninsula with delusions of continent.
Croatia: And this race… is’nt the white race.
Kosovo: Yeah, maybe you’re right.
Montenegro: After all, this could work.
Macedonia: And I won’t need to pretend to be Greek anymore.
Serbia: Macy, I like you the most as South Serbia.
Kosovo: MOM! You like EVERYTHING best as Serbia!
Serbia: You’re right, Kos. My Darling child… Not that I can pick a favorite. I may be a strong, Kebab-removing Eastern European nation, but I’m still a single mom of seven. Slovenia, Croatia, Bosnia, Herz, Kosovo, Monty, and Macy. I’m also the sister to Poland, Latvia, Lithuania, Czechia, Slovakia, Belarus, Crimea and Russia. Half-sister to Hungary, and daughter to Ukraine. And through Ukraine I am related to a bunch of other countries.
Montenegro: We have a really big family.
Croatia: Yes we do.
Herzegovina: Bosnia? Do you know anyone who could engineer an Herzego race?
Slovenia: Actually, my dear Herzy, you don’t need to have your own indigenous tribe to be a country.
Herzegovina: You could have told me that first!
Bosnia: No, I love your rants.
Macedonia: That’s fair.
Serbia: And if you all don’t want to be annexed… Ey! I got an idea!
United Kingdom: So, you want the Falklands.
Serbia: Yes. The Falklands are Serbian.
England: Serbian Falklands? Why?
Northern Ireland: Could actually be a nice idea.
Scotland: We’ll see. Yay!
Wales: I don’t think we can see it though.
United Kingdom: But after all it might work.
Serbia: What could I do to claim them?
United Kingdom: Go there and plant a flag.
And so Serbia took one of the United Kingdom’s boats and rowed to the anctartic.
Serbia: *plants a flag* Falklands je Serbija!
Argentina: They’re named Malvinas!
Serbia: They’re not! You weren’t even a full country then!
Argentina: Los Malvinas son Argentinas!
South Africa: No they’re not.
Australia: I agree. It’s Falklands not Malvinas. And they’re a British overseas territory.
New Zealand: And I agree with Aussie.
Serbia: Sorry I did’nt see you all there. Like…. Your territory is on the other side of the world!
Australia: But it is not that distant even.
Argentina: I and my siblings want the Malvinas to be my territory, well definitely not you Serbia’s.
Serbia: Can I still claim them?
Australia: YOu could but the colonization already happened.
New Zealand: Also why would you need some small islands like that?
Serbia: I just want to expand into an overseas colonial empire.
Argentina: Yes I guess you can have the Falklands.
Serbia: And now I do. First overseas territory! Maybe a new country humanization will form?
South Africa: I can see it.
Australia: It is very controversial though so maybe, I have an idea? You did’nt really do much.
Serbia: What is it?
Australia: If you want to conquer the world you can ask your brother Russia some of his land.
Serbia: That would be a bit too dangerous?
New Zealand: Does’nt mean you can try.
Argentina: They will be more yours than the Falklands will ever be.
Russia: What is it, my sister?
Serbia: I want some of your land.
Russia: Ah, you want to conquer the world again?
Russia: And what land do you want?
Serbia: Any land to make me the biggest country.
???: SECOND-biggest country.
Serbia: Who are you?
???:The endonym’s Esphiya. I occupy all of the land of my home planet Gliese 581 g. And since there are no other countries on my planet, I also occupy all of the water in it. And even counting only land, my territory is clearly at least 10% bigger than Russia’s.
Russia: Oh. You came here just to tell us that I’m not the biggest country?
Serbia: Can I buy Gliese 581 d from you?
Esphiya: I came here for… a variety of things. Basically, one of our office workers decided to explore space in his spaceship. Just a nice nebula sighting with his son and daughter. He crashlanded here on Earth with no way back. Luckily, we already invented universal translators. The trio asked to get to the nearest city for an official first contact. And, about the fifth planet from our sun, it’s all water! There’s only a tiny speck of land there. We call that planet Evyon, but the tiny speck of land, we call it Theas. It’s unclaimed but it’s a nice vacation spot.
Serbia: That’s it! Theas je Serbia!
Esphiya: YOu don’t know anything about it!
Serbia: I still claim it.
Russia: Sis why do you tend to claim really small islands in the middle of nowhere!
Serbia: Because it’s an hobby. Why did you claim all that far away land!
Russia: Because mom Ukraine colonized it first back when she was Sarmathia!
Serbia: I’m pretty sure that now you’re bigger than when you were Scythia.
Russia: Not /too/ bigger.
Esphiya: You two remind me of when I had siblings. So cute. *cries a single tear*
Serbia: You had siblings? What happened to them?
Esphiya: We became so technologically advanced that we got eternal peace. And with eternal peace, there was no need for borders anymore. I annexed the other countries on my planet, kept my capital, and made my language the official pan-planetary one.
Russia: Ah. Earth is’nt ready yet to do that.
Serbia: But soon I will.
Esphiya: And this is why I am influencing it.
Serbia: You could have some of Esphiya on Earth!
Esphiya: Or there could be Earth countries in Esphiya.
Russia: But we aren’t as advanced…
Ukraine: *opens door* Serbia! Russia! Who’s that! You’ve let aliens take Moldova? Or is it a country specially designed for Chernobyl Mutants? No, wait, are they an experimental neural network virtual reality country?
Serbia: None of those.
Esphiya: My name is Esphiya and I own planet Gliese 581 g.
Ukraine: Wow this means you’re bigger than my son Russia
Esphiya: Yes I am.
Ukraine: We should throw a party for Esphiya.